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Imperfectly__accurate
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Name: ERICA.
Interests: las vegas, nv
love, music, happiness, cuddling, anime, sweet tea, kisses, daydreaming, musicians, fast food, late nights, polar bears, art, tattoos, pin up girls, life, smiles and laughter.
www.myspace.com/sup_ericcuhh
Expertise: i live to be your shadow.
Message: message me
AIM:  kill strawberry
MSN: and_hearts@hotmail.com
Member Since:
4/22/2005
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| I've gone downhill, I swear I have.
I'm sorry. I haven't updated in so long.
My first official boyfriend of eight months died on 4/18/09. He died of a drug overdose. I was the last person to see him alive, and I wish I would've enjoyed that time together rather than just picking a fight with him. Something had to have been done to help his addiction, and yet I did nothing. In fact, I can't help but think that I contributed to it more often than I helped him. I don't want to blame myself, and I know I can't blame it on myself; He had this problem even before I met him. But its hard knowing hes gone. Its hard remembering everything and knowing that we will never have another memory together again. He was amazing, and he made me feel whole, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He made me believe that I did deserve to be happy. That I deserve everything in the world, and I should never stop fighting for what I want. I love him so much, and its hard to believe he is gone.
Going to his memorial service was, indeed, the hardest thing I ever had to do. I met his family and friends, and it was sad that I couldn't be a part of their lives. They were very lovely people. It was more than sad... It was heart wrenching, actually.
And now, I guess its time to move on.
Its time to go forward into my life and its time to learn from my experiences. I no longer take those drugs same drugs that killed my boyfriend. I no longer find friendships or relationships with drug users and I hope I will never have to deal with someone's addiction, whatever it may be, again.
I've also learned that I really do deserve to be happy. I've learned that I am beautiful and I will go far in life. I will succeed, regardless of who is against me. I will reach my goals and I will be healthy. My path may be lonely, but I can survive. And I will cherish everyone's company immensely for they may not be there tomorrow. I will be patient with everyone around me, and I will be annoyed less often.
But more importantly, I will be happy.
Thank you for everything you have taught me.
You will stay in my heart forever.
I love you, Ryan Jeffrey Sundin.
Rest in peace. | | |
| Things you might not even want to know:
1. My mood swings are at their worst lately, and I blame my freaking birth control. But I'm much more calm now than when I first got one put in.
2. For some reason I can't help but feel that my body shape is horrid. I am not obese, but I would say that I am a good 20 lbs over weight. Getting into shape isn't a bad thing, I know, but I've been a little obsessive. I've joined a gym (which is amazing btw), and I visit it about 5 times a week. A little insane if you ask me.
3. I want to make my own lip balm after reading a bunch of recipes on the internet. I do realize lip balm isn't hard to buy, but I think it'd be fun to try a recipe out. (: My favorite recipe so far is chocolate.
4. I've been referring to him as my "boyfriend" lately, which is a huge step for me. I am probably too much for him to handle, but I'm trying my best not to be insane. He is completely amazing, but I don't know if I really do love him yet though. :/ Its still hard, considering I'm still not completely over the last one.
5. Speaking of "the last one", he frustrates me so much, even though he probably should know how fragile our friendship is. I seriously don't know how much longer I can take. And why do I worry about whether or not he's out with girls? Why do I even care? Goddamn. I fucking can't stand being jealous. Why is it so hard to choose between the one who is amazing and makes me happy and the one who is a complete fucking jerk?
6. My sister is pretty much about to give birth any day now, and any day now, I will have a niece. (: I'm excited. Me and my older sister have been on pretty shitty terms, so I'm hoping we can finally get along. I'm so excited though!
7. My anime obsession has died down A LOT since I first got into it (when I was around 12), but I find myself listening to soundtracks from animes I used to love, and I have taken an interest into Vampire Knight. </nerdiness>
8. FUCK TWILIGHT. I'm sorry, but I had to say it.
9. I really want xanax. So bad.
10. After writing this, I'm probably either going to go to the gym or take a nap. Haha. Its a lazy saturday, afterall.
Thanks for listening. (:
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| I've come to realize that i have been lying to you way too much.
I'm so sorry. You seriously never know.
And I mean that. I won't ever let you know.
I wish I were strong enough to just let this go.
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No matter what,
I will always really just adore his beautiful poetry.
Never before have I been able to burst into tears from a work of art. He is definitely a work of art. But try as I might, I just can't feel too much for him right now. Its too soon. Way too soon.
Crap.
I have millions of little goosebumps on the surface of my skin,
and I killed about four tiny little flies with just my bare hands. I swear they are plaguing me.
There isn't much left to do as the day comes to a close. It is only 8pm, but I swear I don't even feel the night. I feel like I'm flying dangerously around time and day and night, and I need a reason to crash. I need to come back to reality, before insanity takes its toll. Then again, reality isn't too far away from insanity anyway.
Haha.
Our new president would be awesome if he weren't so fucking trendy.
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My birthday passed like a week ago, just in case anyone cares. Haha. T'was pretty boring for the most part. I'm not one to party it up, although I can remember in the past it was sliiiightly different. Haha. But only slightly, I promise you. ;]
Thinking back on it...Everything was so different. I hate my birthday because it always brings about the chance to reminisce. I hate reminiscing. I hate nostalgia. I hate memories.
I hate how I'm realizing that I'm not strong enough to enjoy my own birthday, and just go forward in life.
I wish that, starting now, time would go backwards.
Its a crazy girl's dream, but a dream at best.
And as for my home and real life, I feel like theres something going on. No.... it has become more than just an assumption. I am pretty sure that everyone around me is hiding something. Manila envelopes. Secretive phone calls. Condescending voices.
I feel like I'm being tested every single day, and I'm proving absolutely nothing except how easy it is that I can fail.
Why the hell can't I ever know what is going on... infront of my face?
I am questioning everything around me. I can't help but think I'm the only thing real, and everything else is being constructed as I'm going on.
Haha, funny, they call that "vainity".
Hilarious.
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